Last week I wrote about the ways university did not prepare me for work (5 ways university didn’t prepare me for work). One of these was the skill of giving and receiving feedback.
I was completely unprepared for the tough feedback that I received during my first year of full time work. I was also used to being able to do everything perfectly, having received top grades at school and university. I couldn’t stand the feeling that in my new job, I was inadequate.
Consequently, for a long time after this, I associated receiving feedback with negative emotions. I got anxious if I even sensed someone was close to giving me feedback, whether positive or negative.
My feelings towards feedback changed very slowly over time as I began to grow in confidence and take on more responsibility at work. In addition, gradually I began to find myself in situations where I needed to give other people feedback. Seeing the process from a different point of view really helped me understand how giving someone feedback, often comes from a place of kindness and is done to help, rather than put people down.
If done correctly, constructive criticism is a positive experience, there to help you achieve your career goals and self-reflect on your development needs.
Unfortunately, a lot of people do not give feedback correctly which is why so many of us associate feedback with negative emotions and dread performance reviews. It is one thing to be able to receive constructive feedback well, but what should you do when you receive unconstructive or hurtful feedback?
Read on below for my lessons learnt in giving feedback and receiving feedback, whether positive, negative, fair or unfair.
Giving Feedback
In order to improve your feelings towards receiving feedback, it is helpful to start by considering why feedback is important and best practice for giving feedback to other people.
- Have a purpose
When you are considering giving feedback to someone, think about why. What do you want your feedback to achieve?
For example, if someone is always making the same mistake on a regular report, you may want them to fix it and pay more attention to detail. If someone is being disruptive in meetings, you may want them to start listening more in order for the team to work together more effectively.
Don’t go into giving feedback without having a clear reason for why the behaviour needs to change and what behaviour would be more effective. Otherwise your feedback could be interpreted as being due to disliking someone’s personality or approach because it is different to your own.
If possible, link the feedback back to their personal objectives or the team’s objectives to demonstrate why the behaviour needs to change.
- Make it timely
The worst thing with receiving feedback, is when no-one says anything at the time, but then it is brought up 6 months later as an issue. There is no point in giving feedback ages after the incident happened. It doesn’t give you a chance to improve and can cause a lot of distress.
It can also blow a small incident out of proportion – if something is worth bringing up 6 months later, then it must have been a big problem – right?
Instead, give feedback in a timely way. Right after the issue occurred might not be the best time but you should be thinking about saying something while it is still fresh in the mind. Giving feedback can be uncomfortable but don’t wait just because you want to put it off. Sooner is better than later!
- Focus on the behaviour (don’t get personal!)
Learning how to phrase feedback is key. The same piece of feedback could be taken really well or really badly depending on how it is pitched.
Be specific and focus on what the behaviour was and the impact of that behaviour. Avoid talking about personal characteristics or assuming anything about someone’s motives. You don’t know what else is going on in their life and you could easily cause offense and in extreme cases, be perceived as discriminating against them.
Instead of saying general statements. Focus on specific things that were said or observed at a given time. This makes it completely clear what the individual did that could have been improved.
For example, instead of saying something like “You always talk too much in meetings and don’t give other’s chance to share their views!”. You could say: “In yesterday’s meeting, your update over ran and there wasn’t time for anyone to ask questions. It made some members of the team feel like they were not able to contribute.”
Think through what you want to say in advance to make sure you are phrasing things in the best way.
- Use the feedback sandwich
Feedback shouldn’t just be for negative things. It is also key to let people know when they have done something well.
A useful technique to use when giving feedback is called the feedback sandwich. Effectively you give your constructive feedback sandwiched between two pieces of positive feedback.
This approach allows for a more balanced discussion, taking into account the things that went well and the things that could be improved on.
For those who are more sensitive, it can also “soften the blow” of criticism and help protect their confidence as well as helping them to develop. Even if someone is not sensitive, it is still a useful technique to help them evaluate both their strengths and weaknesses and aid better personal reflection.
- Vary your approach to individual needs
Everyone is different and everyone reacts to feedback in a different way. Some people may take it in their stride and be eager to learn; some may get defensive, some people might get upset and some people may appear to be listening but continue to repeat the same mistakes.
Because everyone is different, you can’t have a “one-size fits all” approach to giving feedback. You need to take into account individual needs and be willing to change your approach based on that.
In addition, don’t assume everyone is like you. I am naturally very sensitive which means I can be overly gentle when giving others feedback. But I have learnt that some people require you to be more blunt to take it on board.
If in doubt, start with a gentle approach and adjust from there based on their reactions.
Receiving Feedback
After getting a feel for the best practice for giving feedback, you should have a better understanding of what to expect when receiving feedback. Be aware that not everyone will use best practice, however the steps below will help with a variety of types of approaches.
- Know your strengths and weaknesses
Before receiving any feedback, it is helpful to have an understanding for what your strengths and weaknesses are. It’s no use thinking you are perfect because everyone, no matter how senior and experienced they are, will have some areas where they are strong and some areas where they are weaker.
Knowing your strengths will help build your confidence at work. Knowing your weaknesses gives you self awareness and gets you thinking about improvements.
If you don’t know your strengths and weaknesses yet, think about the areas of work where you have done a good job – what specific tasks did you have to do and what skills did it require? Then think about times at work where you have felt overwhelmed or challenged – what tasks/skills did that involve?
Write these things down on a list that you can refer back to and update each time you complete something new or receive new feedback.
- Listening comes first
When someone gives you criticisms, a natural response is to get defensive or emotional. It is difficult to be quiet and listen to someone who might be saying something that you feel is unfair.
You need to resist the urge to speak and give them time to get across their point. You don’t have to agree with it if you don’t want to, but you should give it consideration. Try to stay objective and open minded.
While you listen, focus on the main points the other person is trying to get across. Some may give feedback in a clearer or more specific way than others so it may require some work on your part to cut through the unnecessary details.
If you find it hard to concentrate, try writing down the main points as they speak to aid your listening and distract your mind from jumping to conclusions.
If at any point you get overwhelmed, ask the individual if they could write their thoughts in an email for you to consider later and excuse yourself.
As someone who has cried at work many and many times, I know it is always better to get out while you are ahead. (Once I start crying, I can never stop). If you need an excuse, just say you aren’t feeling well, thank them for their feedback and ask to pick up later.
- Ask questions
After listening to someone’s feedback, it is useful to ask them some follow up questions to clarify your understanding and get a feel for what they think you should have done differently or should change going forward.
By asking questions you aren’t agreeing with the feedback, you are just exploring your understanding. I’ve found asking questions to be a much more effective way to engage with feedback than simplifying giving your own thoughts or attempting to justify why you acted a certain way.
Some examples of questions that could be useful to ask are:
- Could you give me some examples of when I have acted in this way?
- What was the impact of that?
- What do you think I should have done differently?
- How could I improve for next time?
- How would you have approached the situation?
If you need some time to think things through before asking questions, you could ask to pick this up later once you’ve had time to reflect.
- Self Reflection
In your own time, think through the development points you have been given. Is there truth in some or all of the feedback? Why might the individual have given you this feedback?
Remember that feedback is just one person’s view and does not necessarily reflect the views of others involved. Try putting yourself in the other individual’s shoes and observe how things have come across from their point of view. Compare that to the situation from your own point of view and the point of view of others involved.
It might help to write down your thoughts on paper to help draw out the points.
Some people might like to do this step of self reflection straight after receiving feedback, whereas others might like to wait a few days to let the initial emotions fade and allow them to be more objective. Find the option that works for you and gives you the best mindset for self reflection.
- Decide what action to take
It is always helpful to receive and reflect on feedback but it’s up to you what actions you choose to take. You may want to put together an action plan or some ideas for formal training.
If you are struggling to decide, you could also consider talking it through with someone else involved who you trust to get a second opinion and might be able to suggest action points.
On reflection, you might decide that you don’t want to accept the feedback, for whatever reason, and carry on without changing anything. That’s OK as well, as long as you have thought through your reasoning and are comfortable with it.
Ultimately feedback is there to help you, and you don’t need to stress over feedback that is not constructive or helpful to your development.
Final Thoughts
Giving and receiving feedback might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s one of those things where the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
Always keep in mind your strengths as well as your areas for improvement and hopefully the process of giving and receiving feedback will always be a positive one.
For more resources on giving and receiving feedback see here, here and here.
